Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Letter #12

Dear Mr. X,

I know that as you are reading this it isn't a terribly big deal since the chances are that you read my last letter to you perhaps a week ago, but I am so sorry that I haven't written to you in over a month-and-a-half.  Things have just been so crazy for me.  I finished up my summer program in Montana at the end of July and then we drove back and I just wasn't feeling inspired on the road trip back to Georgia.  And then when I got back I had to get ready to move down to school and ever since I've been busy with school work and...well, I'm sure you understand.

Regardless, I have definitely missed writing these letters for you, and I am glad that I am sitting here right now.  I am on a bench at school waiting for the senior picnic to begin, and later today I will be going to work (yep, I have managed to get a job down here at school which makes me incredibly happy and relieved).

Don't worry, I haven't completely stressed myself out over the past month.  I have found plenty of things to feel good about.  I got to see my cousin once more on my way down to GA and I am hoping to go see her again sometime soon.  Also, I went up to North Georgia one day and had an exciting yet terrifying encounter with a water snake (nonvenomous, but still).

I am trying to take it easy, but I am not going to lie, I have set myself up for a challenging semester, and once I get through all of this, the rest of my college career will be simple compared to what I am dealing with right now.  I am anxious though.  It's a big mad world out there and I am going to go out into it at the end of this year.  It's scary knowing that a year from now, I don't have the clearest idea of where I will be.

I wish I could know you now.  I wish that we could meet and I wish that I could hear your encouragement because this idea of my life is easily one of the most frightening.  However, I don't really have a choice in this and I can only hope that the reason that I don't know who you are is because we are not ready for each other yet.  I have to remember that this story is about us and not just me or you.  On the day we meet, or if we have met the day we realize we were meant for each other, it will be like destiny because God is waiting for just the right moment to make the magic happen.  If I met you today and it was not the right time, there is a good chance that I would fail to recognize you, even though I claim that I wouldn't, but I just hope and pray that God grants us both the patience as we wait on each other.  It's a lot like this letter.  Yes, a month did pass by and I didn't write, but it was not because I do not care.  It is because there were other things that needed to be focused on before I could use my energy to write as I am doing right now.

And I know you think that all of this rambling I've been doing about not writing you for a month is silly, and it probably is.  However, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here.  I am still going to write to you even if I get busy, and I care.  With all of my heart, I care.

All my love,

Friday, July 22, 2011

Letter #11

Dear Mr. X,

I'm thinking about A again, although it's not like it's a big surprise.  I just like him a lot, but I need to be cautious about our friendship because it's so important to me.  I just really want to see him again, but I guess the time isn't right.  It's still really hard though.  I'm currently a thousand miles away from him (although that distance is usually 2,000 miles) and all I want is to reunite with him.  It doesn't have to be a big spectacle or anything...I just really miss him.

That is one of the many reasons why I am glad that in less than two weeks, I will be heading back to Georgia and back to school.  It isn't that I am not busy here, because I am, but I'm not busy enough.  I need to keep myself focused this year.  It will be good for just about everything, especially my relationship with A.

Oh love, how often is too often to try to contact a guy you're interested in?  Why do us girls torture ourselves so much with the notion that we are to just sit back and let the men do all of the pursuing?  I mean, it hasn't quite worked out for me so far.  Thus far, I've never really been pursued by anyone decent.  I know it sounds quite vain, but you have to understand, if I had accepted the advances of any of those other guys, while they would have been quite happy, I would have been miserable because I wasn't being true to myself.  Therefore, I wouldn't have been fair to them.  I feel like it makes me look a little mean, but I don't want to settle when I know that there is something better out there for me.  Someone like A, or maybe not.  Someone like you.

In other news, I stumbled across this awesome site yesterday.  It's called "Dear Young Me".  It's pretty neat because you can write short notes to your past self and the best ones are actually published onto the site for the world to see.  I wrote quite a few yesterday, just various thoughts about the things in my past that still sometimes come to my mind.  All in all, it was quite therapeutic and it was great to read the notes of other people as well.  Which gets me to thinking, what would you and I write to ourselves in 2011?  Would I be telling myself to be patient because you are definitely going to be coming into my life soon?  Would you be telling yourself to have more courage with the not-so-distant future young woman that is me because I really love you?

Love, when we find each other, I want to spend our lives talking and thinking about all of the many things and ideas in this world, both within our lives and outside of our lives.  And as much as I want to find you tomorrow, as desperately as I want to learn your name, I must be patient, because with every passing day, that magical day of you and I inches ever closer.

Love like Always,

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Letter #10

Dear Mr. X,

It's somewhat crazy for me to think about, but the summer is almost over and in just under two weeks I will be back in Georgia.  I wonder what you've been up to this summer.  Are you excited about the fall?  Are you still in school, or have you entered the real world?

I am excited about completing my bachelors this year but at the same time, I am going to miss it here in Montana.  It has been a very different kind of summer for me, and within this beautiful backdrop, I have learned much about myself.

Darling, by marrying me you are committing yourself to a challenge.  I have struggled with depression since I was about 12, and while I am working hard to control it, I will not be a perfect ray of sunshine every day, and I thank you for loving me regardless, and I am so grateful that you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with me.

So, my point.  This summer has really opened my eyes to my potential.  I've realized that I can do so much more than I think I'm capable of, even though I'm not perfect.  I have always discovered something that I did not believe to be true.  You see, for years after the onset of my depression, I thought that I was struggling because the part of myself that knew how to deal and fight had died, but I've realized that I was wrong.  That part of me is still alive, and has merely been subdued during the past decade or so of my life.

But I'm ready to go back, because I'm alive and kicking, and I want to reach my full potential.  This is what the Lord created me for, and perhaps I have been through all of this so that I could learn valuable lessons about myself before it was too late for me to learn them, and I am still learning.

Writing these letters to you, and posting them to a blog, has been rather therapeutic for me.  I know that one should not get caught up in the future or lost in the future, but writing to you from my present perspective has brought a sense of excitement in my life.  I know it's optimistic, but knowing the you're out there somewhere and that one day we'll be together brings me hope.  I have not had an easy romantic life, and every day I hope that it will get easier.  I hope that perhaps the next guy who pursues me won't be a creep about it.  But I don't fear, because you're out there, and on the day we realize that we were made for each other, it will be like God has finally completed the puzzle that is you and me.

As always, I love you more than even I know,

Monday, July 18, 2011

Letter #9

Dear Mr. X,

I wanted to write you while I was here, before I had gotten home, but I am afraid that I had to wait, as I wanted to take in the moment.

Have you ever been to Grand Teton National Park?  If not, will your first trip here be with me?

I passed through the park on my way up here but I did not really get to see the park until yesterday and today, when we camped in the park.  And let me tell you, it is absolutely incredible.  Like magic, and I got to hike 20 miles or so in it.

It was not a difficult hike, just long, and the walkway to Inspiration Point was definitely steep.  I probably experienced all four seasons in those ten miles inward.  At the beginning, I was sweating like crazy, but by the time we reached Lake Solitude this morning, it was chilly and we had trekked over at least a mile of snow.  But it was all worth it.  I had seen the mountains approaching during a good portion of the drive there, but actually being within the range was an enchanting experience.  The forest is straight from a fairy tale, and we saw plenty of moose and marmots throughout the hike.  I ate glacier lilies once we got higher into the colder zones.  And this morning, I decided to be strong and brave the mile over snow to Lake Solitude, which is still pretty frozen despite the fact that it is the middle of July.

Two people kept crossing my mind on this hike though, and that is you and my father.  I kept thinking about how beautiful this place was and how much I wanted to share this with both you and my dad.

My father and I have an interesting relationship, to say the least.  I don't think he knows just how much I love him.  He has sacrificed so much for my family's sake, and mine.  However, the past few years or so have been really hard, and having to compete with your sister for his affection is not easy.  He expects a lot from both of us, and I am trying to make up for some lost ground in college.  I think that our relationship is improving, but we have a long way to go.

I really want both of you to one day hike this same hike with me, whether it's all of us together or if I go separately with each of you.  Either way it's an incredible hike and I would hate it if either of you missed it.  So let's do it!  That is, if we haven't already by the time you read this.  I love you so much!

Jennifer, the Future Mrs. X

Friday, July 15, 2011

Letter #8

Dear Mr. X,

Did you go see the final Harry Potter movie last night?  Because I did!  Epic Epicness at its best, huh love?

Ok, so I don't know how you might feel about the series.  You may not even care so much, but I've been a fan ever since that day when I was ten years old and sick in bed with the flu.  That was the day I picked up my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which I had gotten for Christmas, began reading it and promptly fell in love with it.  I am the girl who wanted to be Emma Watson so bad when I first heard the movies were coming out (I am only a month or so older than her).  I also had a bit of remorse when I was eleven, knowing full well that I wouldn't be getting a letter from Hogwarts.

But I digress.  Living in a fantasy world isn't the best idea, and besides, it is here in the real world where you and I both live, and where we will fall in love.

So I am thinking about A again.  I haven't talked to him or anything, but he is definitely on my mind.  I just really want to see him again.  I miss him like crazy.

It's fun to be single, but it's a little scary too.  Scary because every day it seems like more and more of the good guys are taken and thus more of the remaining guys out there are jerks.  Now you Sweetheart, are not a jerk, but since I haven't found you yet  I still have to live with this perpetual dread of being pursued.

Look, I am a romantic, and one of my greatest dreams is to be pursued by the man of my dreams (or something like that), but to get to the diamonds in the rough, you have to go through a lot of dirt, and by dirt I mean men who just won't work.

Unfortunately, I have had my heart bent too many times, and I have also been pursued by outright jerks who want nothing more than to have sex with me.  It's disgusting, and sometimes it's hard to tell a genuine guy from a jerk.  What's the good of being pursued if you feel like a piece of meat rather than someone's beloved?

That being said, I can be quite picky, and I like to think that the reason I am this way is so that I can find the man that God wants me to be with rather than settling for the first man that comes along.

But, it is scary at times.  When you see girls your age getting married every day, you keep wondering if perhaps waiting wasn't the best idea, but since I've waited this long, I must keep going.  Whether it's A, the future B and C, or some other guy that I have no clue about yet, I will find you one day, and at last all of these crazy little thoughts of mine will be safely tucked away in the past.

To the Day You Find Me,

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Letter #7

Dear Mr. X,

I believe that this is my seventh letter to you. I'm only noting this because seven is my favorite number, but still.

I wonder what we're both doing right now. Are we still on our honeymoon, or dis you decide to read these letters slowly, just one at a time?

It's crazy for me to think that by the time you read this, I will be your wife and we will be living a life that I can only imagine. I mean, I don't even know where we'll be living, and I suppose, knowing me, it could be anywhere. I suppose that the next few years will help where we live, which is I guess where I will meet you. But I'm making too many assumptions here, and only time will be able to reveal the truth to me.

I hope that whenever I do meet you though, I still want to have a desire to have lots of adventures. That would be wonderful for us when we are dating and beyond. I recently went kayaking for the first time, and so wouldn't it be awesome for us to go sailing together early in our relationship? I have always loved the water, and so if we could get a little sailboat, even if it's just a rental, and we could take it out on the water somewhere. Yes, that would be an amazing experience for us, just you and me on the water, our minds solely focused on each other.

Love, I know it will be hard, but can you promise me that we'll have lots of adventures? I will always love you of course, but I really want our lives to be exciting, no matter what.  I know that every day can't always be exciting; we both have our careers and we will have to support ourselves and our future family.  However, I want us to one day, many many years from now (as you're reading this), look back on our marriage with thoughts about how much fun we have had over the years, as we sail into the sunset, together.

I love you so much!
The Future Mrs. X

Monday, July 11, 2011

Letter #6

Dear Mr. X,

I went on another hike today, and the scenery was so beautiful I felt like I was in the Sound of Music (I sang a little from it too as a matter of fact).  Overall quite a surprising and lovely day (despite the fact that I got a sunburn, I'm not used to the lack of protection from city smog but isn't that a good thing?), and in the morning, to my own surprise, a squirrel decided to come over to me and cling onto my jeans on my left leg for a short moment, and that has never happened to me before.  The hike was about ten miles in total, although it was nicely split so I was able to have lunch and enjoy a nap in the meadow before we headed back down the pass.

So I suppose it is time to tell you about the current state of my love life in this letter.  I'm not sure how you will feel about this, hearing about all of the other men that I am interested in before I meet you, but I am doing this to preserve these moments of my life for you.  Also, one day, one of these men will be you (although if guy A ended up being you, I'd be awfully surprised by my luck) and one of the purposes of these letters is for you to see how I will fall in love with you.  Therefore, I have to tell you because there is more to these letters than the immense love that I already feel for you (as it is a preservation of the life I am living right now at twenty-one and however long I have before I meet you at last).

So, for privacy's sake, let's call this guy A, as he is the first guy I am interested in since beginning these letters.  Anyway, I have known A for a very long time, since I was about 11 to be exact.  When I was 13, I had a crush on him, but I brushed that one aside because I believed there was no way that he and I would ever be together.  Well, I was wrong.  When I was 17, we were briefly together, although it was very casual.  Anyway, he went off to college at that point and I moved on with my life.  The following year he joined the military.  Time passed, and last year he contacted me once again, although merely on a friendly basis.  This year, he contacted me again after his girlfriend broke up with him, and we have been talking fairly regularly ever since, although a relationship is definitely not in the works at the moment.

I would love to have a relationship with A because, in my opinion, he is amazing.  He is ever gracious and, at least with me, he has always been respectful and he always does what it best for our friendship.  He has made quite a few mistakes in his life, but I feel like he is learning from them and I honestly can overlook the mistakes in his life.  Right now, I know that a relationship is out of the question, as we are nowhere near close enough, but I want us to be closer, and eventually, I think we could have a wonderful relationship.  I doubt he feels the same way, but if he is ever willing to give me a chance, unless I have moved on, I will take it.

Right now, I know that it is hard for him in the military.  He is homesick, and while I am homesick as well I can rejoice in the fact that I will be home within a month, whereas he has no idea when his next chance to come home will be.  All I know is, when that day comes, I really want to see him, have coffee or something.  We desperately need to catch up in person.  It might clear up a lot of my feelings, or it may just make me want to date him more.  It's hard to say, but overall, it would be great for our friendship for us to reunite.

I hope that wasn't too hard for you to read Sweetheart, but if I am going to find you one day, I have to actually look for you, and I have to start somewhere right?  And if you are not A, just imagine what you will feel when you get to read the letter in which I meet you.  It will be pretty special won't it?  And remember, though my heart may wander now, eventually it will find you, and since you will marry me you have already earned my love, even though neither of us know any of this yet.

Jennifer, the Future Mrs. X